Choices/Friends=??? GG

Everyone is entitled to a choice. But I never wanted to choose. It is never an easy task to keep the balance between the people who you want to be close to, the people who you want to keep close, the people who do matter to you.

If you had to tip the balance between the people you were close to, where would you add the weight to? The people who stick by you no matter what, who advice you, who understand you, your mere actions, who make it a point to know you so well that they know how you think, your faults, your graces, who call you just to talk, who you can tell just about anything without being afraid of being judged, or the people who think they know you best but actually know nothing about you, who critisize your opinions, who bitch bitch bitch about the changes in you and your actions that they stereotypically deem bad, who cannot accept the fact that sometimes yea people grow apart, who cannot understand that people move on forward in search of new experiences? With the exception of 1 or 2 I hope you know you know who you are right? hehe. Moving on.

There is a reason behind why I prefer to hang out with the people I do hang out with now, and heres why. Because they do not judge, they advice, they do not shun, they're realistic about things, they're not arrogant, they do not keep themselves to just one particular group of friends and they make it a point to get to know other personalities, be close to other people, be friendly and they're not afraid to broaden their horizons. They do not classify people, not by age, not by education levels or results, not by habits. They do not bitch, are not vindictive, not hypocritical, they do not criticize. They're nice to people who are nice to them, but that doesn't mean they're crowd pleasers. They do not chase popularity, neither do they care about what attention they attract. In short, they stay true to who they are, well influenced and influential themselves, they have helped me realize who I really am, and that I only have to be nothing more than myself to be accepted, loved, cared for. With them, we sit and talk about all things around us, interests, activities, we don't just bitch and criticize. I do not have to put on a mask that surpresses who I am, my thoughts, my opinions to be accepted or to be considered as a friend. And I am not going to succumb to that shit. Because really, that is shit. Not being able to be myself around who I call friends, is shit. I have to keep things to myself because I know that if I tell about it and open my heart, I will be judged word by word, action by action, only to have my friends discuss about what I confide in them. And that is some really fucked up shit.

If anything, I prefer to surround myself with people who are true to themselves, not let a crowd or a stereotyped sort of mentality steer them into any other direction besides the own path that should be paved by oneself. An example, the people who I chose to hang out with more have been labeled and stereotyped as "college people", just because they have now moved on to a tertiary level of education, because they have grown out of the high school phase. I don't see the problem in having them as close friends. Am I supposed to steer clear away from them because they're older by age? or because they are exposed to what might seem to you as bad influences that they might impose on me? Because they club, they drink, some of them smoke, they are bad influences? I might do that too, but that doesn't change who I am. Neither did it change any of them.

With the "college people", I am accepted for who I am, sohainess and all. I am not shunned and not bitched about. I am advised and guided, I am talked to and understood. They do not try to change me, they respect my opinions even if they do disagree. There is no brainwashing, and if there exists any disagreement, we agree to disagree.

Forgive me if I have hit a bundle of nerves, but there is a vast difference, between who they are, and who you are. You stick to your own group of people, and when one person decides to break out of the stereotyped circle, you shun and you bitch with disatisfaction. Is it so difficult to be happy for a friend who has found comfort, support and love? Having fun together, is having fun together, don't get me wrong I love having fun with you guys, but sometimes I don't feel close enough in your circle, more like, out of place. Then you say that I don't make it a point to open up myself and come close to you. When you constantly have to approach your friends for their attention, it makes you uncomfortable because you never feel accepted. Instead, "my college friends" do not regard me as a high school girl who isn't worth hanging out with, and they ask me out even. You still revolve around your chocolate fountain cotton candy world where people come and go but girlfriends are forever. People grow apart sometimes, and I've grown apart. Because I've realized that I feel more comfortable with myself after breaking out of that phase, even if I did early, but should I be shunned because I have? I do not think I deserve this treatment from you or anyone else. You don't see the real me, therefore you draw up the conclusion that oh I only hang out with "college people" people its so cool they drink they club they smoke and they go out so much wow. Its nothing like that and I feel so sorry for you to see it that way. And I will not tolerate being condemned for making choices that I think is right for me at the moment, because you have no right.

Really. I'm sorry if I have made you feel like I've neglected my friends, but I have always felt neglected and I have tried so hard to be a part of all of you, till I've reached the point that I've felt like I wasn't me anymore, I was living up to your expectations of someone who should be included in your group. The "college people" they don't expect me to be what they want me to be, like their idea of a friend should be this and that, but they do accept me as a friend, a younger sister, who at times will need teaching and guidance, and they do not hesitate to correct my ignorance, not bitch about me instead, or anyone else for that matter. Because they have grown to be more matured and understanding.

Is it difficult for you to be understanding too? Think about it. Real friends stick by no matter what. Even if one of them distances for abit, the friendship remains. I can be a friend, I can listen, I've always listened without judging, I've always stuck by if needed, even though I don't turn up for most of the outings. Just look for me when you need me and I'm always there to listen, to advice, or just to talk. But do you ever look for me? or need me? No, because you have yourselves and those among yourselves who are alike with you to look for. Not someone who's a little different. Not me. I do not ridicule your problems, neither do I put you down for having problems. Consider that.