Is it just your face or am I just a bitch?
Must be your face.
Anyways moving on, a post of self-perception has been rather long overdue, considering the fact that I am at the PEAK of my crisis/drama (take your pick) filled life right now with my parents finally living in different houses, no idea where next to study after spm, WHERE to take my drivers license, due to the fact that I make it a point to spend time with my parents alternate weeks, Gombak and Pj, which driving school do I go to? It doesn't help either that my parents are leaving everything up to my decision, which I have a sneaky suspicion that they're doing this to decrease the pressure that is on me or they're doing this to avoid having to deal with each other too much with discussions and whatnot which is NOT WORKING because right now I'd rather have my next 2 years or so planned out for me because I am confused, aggravated, annoyed, broken, did I mention FUCKING CONFUSED? Which doesnt work well for me considering I happen to wiggle my way out of everything whenever my cunning bitch of a brain works its noodle but this time things really aren't that simple and its not helping that I'm trying to hard to adapt to this new huge place I'm supposed to call home with my mom every alternate week. Or whenever I want to go. Theres no fixed custody agreement I get to choose wherever I want to go whenever I want to.
OKAY point is, I am not in the right state to be making all my own decisions right now. I am vulnerable and unhappy and fucked up and I'm just trying to make the best of things. Which really takes up plenty of brainspace, which means there just isn't enough juices left to get the rest of my life GOING GOING GOING. And lets see, the cherry on top? Decisions I make now is crucial for my future. This isn't high school anymore. Fuck that shit and seriously fuck you ALL who say "fuck all that shit la just come tonite! fuck ur dad la u see him tomorrow la!" FUCK YOU ok? When I say I want to spend time with my parents its not because I feel obliged to its because I genuinely want to. It actually feels like shit being with my mom and missing my dad and vice versa. And I never knew it would be this hard, I really thought I could handle it since I wasn't excatly suddenly thrusted into this situation and I is tough cookie.
Always a tough cookie, until now.
I've always wondered why I'm always a cynic, like how I usually see the dark side of things and that really doesn't help at all when I'm trying to get back on my feet. Instead, I begin to rely on others to pick me up and show me that they care enough to maybe even suggest taking me out for Christmas dinner but you know expectations are nothing but expectations. Bad combo, a cynic with expectations, just makes you all the more untrusting, more than you even already are. Doesn't help either when you're someone who keeps your word, and remembers every promise but the person you think you can rely on barely makes an effort to keep his. Most of the time. Not to mention how something that sounds as simple as "barely makes an effort to keep a promise" actually unravels into a myriad of inconvenience such as "time-wasting, dissapointment, annoyance, yada yada yada" which also translates into upsetting my whole fucking day. And you wonder why I can't keep even keep my impatience and anger to myself these days, but you probably just turn a blind eye to the fact that I no longer simmer, I boil and over-boil, over the top.
Warning, this is turning into a psychotic rant, or you should've realized that from the start anyway.
Rarely do I get a whole string of thoughts knotted up together to the point that I can't even begin to untangle them at all, I've even lost the point of this post so from this point onwards things might get rather unrelated and random, like a disrupted flux or negativity, but whatever, the negativity needs to get out.
Here we go. Friends. Friends who used to call themselve brothers but actually turn out to be nothing but dogshit you wouldn't even want to go near? I can't stop questioning myself about why I keep lingering over asshole pricks who waste my time and my effort when I usually just leave them behind. Lets see why, maybe it was because I fucking believed in that friendship so much that I actually put in so much of me. So I TAK PUAS I actually want to see you suffer (I am so low). But the pile of rubbish that you are, you don't seem to be going anywhere far anyway and you have proven to be quite the pest according to many. Friends! friends lets see... Friends who can't take care of themselves and expect their friends to spoonfeed them with the basic lessons of life like how to protect yourself agains the shame of getting knocked up, how you save your own face, how to not take advantage of my house just because my house is nearby and my mom is cool, how to respect another person's mom even though she is cool, and by that I don't mean being polite to my mother, I mean by not planning to take advantage of my mom's house, how to be smart about the decisions you make, how not be stupid, basically, the idiots guide to not being an idiot. And you wonder why you're kept on such a tight leash at home. Don't call your mom a bitch because she does that, in fact she's doing the only thing left that she knows how to do just to keep you safe. And my mom is not cool coz she gives me freedom, she just trusts me because I know how to take care of myself. So don't compare.
Moving on.
People who cramp my style. PERIOD.
I am so unkind these days. I am losing my composure, my head, my patience, my awesomeness, and my can't be fuckedness which was my liberty and my happiness and the reason why I attracted so much positive energy unlike the negative vibe I have all around me now. Even pretty clothes can't help.
Why am I no longer allowing myself any of those anymore?
First step, lets get fit and hot again. Funny how I was at the prime of positivity in Form 4. I thought I'd be even better now but seems like things are taking a dip.
Anyhow, stay strong move along. Pick it up pick it up pick it up lets go.
and please dont kepoh and ask around who I'm talking about, go and get a life, dont ask me, don't ask anybody. If you know, just play dumb. That doesn't need brains to execute.
Dont ask. I hate people asking. Fucking kepoh. Get a life.
Anyways moving on, a post of self-perception has been rather long overdue, considering the fact that I am at the PEAK of my crisis/drama (take your pick) filled life right now with my parents finally living in different houses, no idea where next to study after spm, WHERE to take my drivers license, due to the fact that I make it a point to spend time with my parents alternate weeks, Gombak and Pj, which driving school do I go to? It doesn't help either that my parents are leaving everything up to my decision, which I have a sneaky suspicion that they're doing this to decrease the pressure that is on me or they're doing this to avoid having to deal with each other too much with discussions and whatnot which is NOT WORKING because right now I'd rather have my next 2 years or so planned out for me because I am confused, aggravated, annoyed, broken, did I mention FUCKING CONFUSED? Which doesnt work well for me considering I happen to wiggle my way out of everything whenever my cunning bitch of a brain works its noodle but this time things really aren't that simple and its not helping that I'm trying to hard to adapt to this new huge place I'm supposed to call home with my mom every alternate week. Or whenever I want to go. Theres no fixed custody agreement I get to choose wherever I want to go whenever I want to.
OKAY point is, I am not in the right state to be making all my own decisions right now. I am vulnerable and unhappy and fucked up and I'm just trying to make the best of things. Which really takes up plenty of brainspace, which means there just isn't enough juices left to get the rest of my life GOING GOING GOING. And lets see, the cherry on top? Decisions I make now is crucial for my future. This isn't high school anymore. Fuck that shit and seriously fuck you ALL who say "fuck all that shit la just come tonite! fuck ur dad la u see him tomorrow la!" FUCK YOU ok? When I say I want to spend time with my parents its not because I feel obliged to its because I genuinely want to. It actually feels like shit being with my mom and missing my dad and vice versa. And I never knew it would be this hard, I really thought I could handle it since I wasn't excatly suddenly thrusted into this situation and I is tough cookie.
Always a tough cookie, until now.
I've always wondered why I'm always a cynic, like how I usually see the dark side of things and that really doesn't help at all when I'm trying to get back on my feet. Instead, I begin to rely on others to pick me up and show me that they care enough to maybe even suggest taking me out for Christmas dinner but you know expectations are nothing but expectations. Bad combo, a cynic with expectations, just makes you all the more untrusting, more than you even already are. Doesn't help either when you're someone who keeps your word, and remembers every promise but the person you think you can rely on barely makes an effort to keep his. Most of the time. Not to mention how something that sounds as simple as "barely makes an effort to keep a promise" actually unravels into a myriad of inconvenience such as "time-wasting, dissapointment, annoyance, yada yada yada" which also translates into upsetting my whole fucking day. And you wonder why I can't keep even keep my impatience and anger to myself these days, but you probably just turn a blind eye to the fact that I no longer simmer, I boil and over-boil, over the top.
Warning, this is turning into a psychotic rant, or you should've realized that from the start anyway.
Rarely do I get a whole string of thoughts knotted up together to the point that I can't even begin to untangle them at all, I've even lost the point of this post so from this point onwards things might get rather unrelated and random, like a disrupted flux or negativity, but whatever, the negativity needs to get out.
Here we go. Friends. Friends who used to call themselve brothers but actually turn out to be nothing but dogshit you wouldn't even want to go near? I can't stop questioning myself about why I keep lingering over asshole pricks who waste my time and my effort when I usually just leave them behind. Lets see why, maybe it was because I fucking believed in that friendship so much that I actually put in so much of me. So I TAK PUAS I actually want to see you suffer (I am so low). But the pile of rubbish that you are, you don't seem to be going anywhere far anyway and you have proven to be quite the pest according to many. Friends! friends lets see... Friends who can't take care of themselves and expect their friends to spoonfeed them with the basic lessons of life like how to protect yourself agains the shame of getting knocked up, how you save your own face, how to not take advantage of my house just because my house is nearby and my mom is cool, how to respect another person's mom even though she is cool, and by that I don't mean being polite to my mother, I mean by not planning to take advantage of my mom's house, how to be smart about the decisions you make, how not be stupid, basically, the idiots guide to not being an idiot. And you wonder why you're kept on such a tight leash at home. Don't call your mom a bitch because she does that, in fact she's doing the only thing left that she knows how to do just to keep you safe. And my mom is not cool coz she gives me freedom, she just trusts me because I know how to take care of myself. So don't compare.
Moving on.
People who cramp my style. PERIOD.
I am so unkind these days. I am losing my composure, my head, my patience, my awesomeness, and my can't be fuckedness which was my liberty and my happiness and the reason why I attracted so much positive energy unlike the negative vibe I have all around me now. Even pretty clothes can't help.
Why am I no longer allowing myself any of those anymore?
First step, lets get fit and hot again. Funny how I was at the prime of positivity in Form 4. I thought I'd be even better now but seems like things are taking a dip.
Anyhow, stay strong move along. Pick it up pick it up pick it up lets go.
and please dont kepoh and ask around who I'm talking about, go and get a life, dont ask me, don't ask anybody. If you know, just play dumb. That doesn't need brains to execute.
Dont ask. I hate people asking. Fucking kepoh. Get a life.
2 comments:
Sorry to leave a this kind of shallow, completely materialistic question on this kind of post which deserves some equally rage filled, spitting bile kinda comment BUTTTT.
YES YOU LOOKED AWESOME AT PROM.
Best dressed, seriously.
Loves it la.
Now I want to steal your dress. Where did you get it from?
(and just for the record, I do love your marah posts)
hahaha eclipse amani! cukup marah posts ah malas ady. blogging mojo also hilang now.
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