Fool

You check your email, not expecting to see a reply from him, yet your eyes spot the time on the most recent email he's sent you - 2 minutes ago. You quickly type a reply telling him to go online so you can feel a little closer to him, because you know he wont go online, not even to check if you're on, not even to trying catching a moment with you. You pray for luck that he will, and your heart flutters when you see the little notice box that pops up with his name on it. You smile to yourself in relief- things are starting to hurt a little bit less.

You try keeping calm, yet you've gone to bed angry so many nights, you can't seem to shake yourself out of the anger. You try to be nice and sweet to remind him of the girl he fell in love with, yet your words carry the toxic undertone, but ever so subtly. He senses it, before you do and retaliates in a way that throws you completely off guard, yet that feeling is so familiar to you that it lingers permanently, you forget the feeling of comfort and security that once kept you so warm and content, happy. Like a baby swaddled in a favorite soft maroon fleece blankey, his familiar scent ever so close by, ever so comforting. Now you resort to looking for that comfort in the most absurd ways, like refusing to wash his worn t-shirt for 2 weeks, or till whenever he returns to you.

He tells you of his new acquisition - a tongue piercing. Something you always wanted to do but always thought that it was a decision that required thinking, just like a tattoo. You realize that you have lost your spontaneity, your vivacious personality, in fear of accidentally going out of step, which might hurt him. You include him in decision making, for you fear that he might not agree with some of your actions. You now envy him, for he doesn't need your approval like you need his. He knows how you would react to it, but yet does it, without giving a second thought about how it would affect you. You've been feeling more and more helpless by the day, for you feel that you no longer play that big part in him anymore, like a worn out favorite t-shirt stashed behind his closet, that is taken out every now and then to try on, only to have him decide to wear a different t-shirt every time.

You begin to imagine how it looks like on his handsome face, how it clashes with his soft soft features, his subtle lips, big wide eyes and long lashes that would make a girl long to look into, in hopes of finding the fire within. You begin to imagine how different his soft smile would be from now on, how the barbell will take center stage when he laughs. You imagine how different his kisses will become, his sweet bubblegum tongue now impaled with something so harsh and foreign, no longer soft and pure. You begin to wonder how it will be like the next time you hear him speak, and sing to you, which you fear will now lack the clarity and sharpness whenever he rolls an R or and L. You wonder if Sandy will now sound like Sthandy, and you cringe at the thought before trying to laugh it off to yourself. But you pull away from the thoughts because you can't bear the change right now. You know that he will bring back all those changes along with him, and you won't have a choice but to deal with the changes, meanwhile longing for what was familiar, what you first fell in love with. He offers to remove it, but you refuse to give him an answer because deep down you are slightly thrilled at the thought of something new, like a mini adventure. You refuse to give him an answer because you know he is thrilled, and he loves it, even though he doesn't admit it. You can't bear to make him take it off for your sake, you want to see him happy about something. Yet to you its a whole new change that scares you. A symbol of you losing your grip on the one that you love so dearly. But of course, to everyone else and maybe even to him, you're just being idiotically dramatic, after all - its only just a piercing. So you don't tell him exactly how you feel, you show him a side of anger so that he can't see the side of you that feels so small and insecure, in fear that he might find you utterly ridiculous - you can't bear the thought of him thinking of you that way.

You find out that he lied again a few weeks back, an event that you have put behind you but this time you accidentally stumble upon it, only to have it surprise you in your face. You tell him about it, but you no longer have the will to fight. You slowly succumb to it, realizing how easily he helps himself to your foolishness. Again you hide under your fury blanket, hoping that it might help you feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more in control. It doesn't.

Now you realize that you are no longer acting out of pure love, you are acting out of fear of losing your love. Fear of losing the very last threads that belonged to that maroon furry blankey of happiness and comfort, that you now use as a metaphor, while you conjure up memories of him tucking you in with that very same furry blanket that you always ask for everytime he puts you to bed, before giving you a light kiss on your forehead and stroking your hair. You remember him putting himself beside you, taking whiffs of your sweet shampooed tresses, holding you tight because he doesn't want you to feel even a little bit cold. You smile to yourself, knowing he really loves you, and you love him more and more by the second. You begin to think he's your raison de etre. Everyone else just tells you that you're being silly. You prefer to remain stubborn as to preserve your happiness and faith.

You used to strive for yourself. Now you've put yourself aside to save the bonds that hold you and him together, and out of your desperation you have become someone who he didn't fall in love with. The fire in you has died out, taking your confidence and your sense of self along with its ashes. You can't help it for you can't find the happiness that once supplied you that strength, for you try to give it all to him, hoping that he might realize someday and give in return. Its not what you ask for, that you want. You want him to want to love you like he used to again, for him to do it all by himself. So that you could cherish it all again because no one ever gave you love like he did. You fall into shambles when he takes it away from you, and in the effort to protect whats left of yourself, you hide under a fake cover of strength, like cling wrap, so easily pricked and torn. You try so hard to find yourself again, hoping that it would bring you back the happiness you once had, the self-contentment, independence and strength that you once had. The very same traits that had him drawn to you in the first place. You try to find your smile, the very smile he couldn't take his eyes off once a long time ago. Then maybe you can find in him what you fell in love with a long time ago before. You still cling to those memories and promises like you're clinging on for dear life, but those memories and promises are dragging you down to the pits of self-destruction because you can't seem to understand where they are taking you. And you can only hope that they will resurface and happen again, so that you don't drown with them. You just can't bear to let go at what was your chance of happiness, so much that you can't give yourself the strength to surge forward, in fear that you will never love and be loved like that again.

They say it happens on once in a lifetime. Twice if you're really lucky.

And this time around, you're not feeling very lucky.

And to think that you've merely started living your life.

And if things couldn't get any worst, your wobbly jello couldn't come out of the mould properly because well, it was too wobbly. No metaphors here.