Ask Me How,

and I will tell you.

Here I am now, sitting by my window, underdressed with mummy's laptop resting on.. well, my lap, I'm watching the world go by, parents rushing to drop their kids home after school before going back to work, people walking by, old couples strolling together with the grandchildren in hand, couldn't help but wonder how it would be like when I reach that stage of life. It's still far ahead i know, but I'm sure people ponder about things like that, regardless of age, just like how we think back on things that has happened, the cause and effect, then the aftermath.

For the past 9 months I convinced myself that I could love and commit, and for awhile I actually believed that I had succeeded in doing so. I tried hard, tried my best to pry you open, hoping that you would realize that I was much more than just your service maid, more than someone who never let you forget that you were loved, who always tried to be there, who tried to commit, who tried to be your idea of a good girlfriend (in your case, someone who doesnt smoke, doesnt swear, doest get drunk, more like your stupid trophy who would just sit and smile). By the way, I'm technically not your girlfriend, because you have never even asked me to be be your girlfriend, thus you really shouldn't assume, and just so you know, I tried my best not to ever refer to you as my boyfriend, because it only felt wrong to assume. Like you've told me, don't assume.

Unfortunately for you there is way more substance in me than just that. To you, being opinionative and outspoken meant being bitchy. To you, my ways of having fun and unwinding meant being bad. For your information honey, I still stuck true to myself and you actually thought that I would change my ways like that just because you didn't like it? I would have if you had at least tried to show me that you loved me back, but nope, sorry you didn't so it's not going to happen. And yet you have the cheek to call me selfish?

Heres being selfish. You. Don't tell me that you made an effort when you couldn't even write back one bleeding note after my countless carefully kiss-sealed letters? Not being able to give me a hug but only after I asked if you would? Not telling me that you love me but only after I told you I did or after I asked you? And yet you have the balls to still tell me that "I don't want to pamper you" or tell me that "you'll make everything better", when you don't lift a finger to show me that you're making the effort that you say you are. How do you think that makes me feel? Why else would I sort out ways to help me forget about the hurt you've put me through, ways that are deemed to be immoral or stereotyped to be bad by you? You only think so, because you care so much about what other people think and say. So much for telling me that you care more about me than you do your image (hot, good looking, you need to try harder to sound smart when you speak), because from your actions, it is evident that what you say is bullshit.

Then again, your lack of response is really not the point anymore now. Well, since I haven't been a good girlfriend to you, and now that I have liberated you from that burden, why are you whining so much now? Whining that I am selfish, whining that I got over you so quick, whining that "tell me you still love her after a month", whining that I've suddenly become bitchy, whining that I'm different. I'll tell you why.

You and your ego were up so high, and now that you've fallen, your ego has been shattered along with my "commitment" to you that you thought would ever be so concrete. I haven't been selfish, until maybe recently, because deary, I love myself way more than I did love you. I wasn't being bitchy, I was only and FINALLY, taking a stand for myself because really, I don't think I deserve this shit from you. I've always been myself, but you've always been too self-absorbed and too self-centered (I am deliberately being redundant) to take some time and get to know me and my personality better.

So I suggest, that you stop playing the victim, stop saying that you're hurt, because you dont know the hurt I went through being with you. I'm not going to apologize, I'm not going to say I'm sorry, and if I do ever regret anything, which I doubt I will, I'm definitely not going to come running back to you. Yes, I heard about that one. And next time if you wanna say anything please do come and tell me in my face not through my friends, it only proves how childish you are. After everything, I really don't mind the conflict, maybe a little more conflict might even help you grow.

I'm not sorry for the rude awakening, because sometimes, it's what we all need for that cloud of realization to sweep over your I-think-I'm-so-it mentality and maybe, hopefully, it would also open up your eyes to the world around that doesn't at all revolve around you.

Oh and before I wrap up, just so you know, being doubtful about what goes on with my life now isn't going to make you feel any better because yes, I have found someone who loves me for who I am, is worth loving and I finally feel like its going to be worth giving it my all, even if it all happened in 10 days. Shows you that when it comes to love, time is only a very minor factor. Therefore 9 months doesn't mean shit. There you go. =)

And damn, that felt good.

Oh and btw, if you still fail to comprehend, please, do feel obliged to request for another version of everything written above in er... easy-to-understand-england. =P