The Future Is Doomed!

These are actual statements gleaned from Seattle High School test papers.

• A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."

• Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

• All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.

• Men are mammals and women are femammals.

• Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

• Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

• When oxygen combines with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.

• The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.

• Some people say we condescended from apes.

• When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

• H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

• When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

• Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

• The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

• Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

• Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

• Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

• The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five a, e, i, o, and u.

• The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

• The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

• A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

• Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

• Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

• Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

• Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

• For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

• For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

• To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.